Every single MacBook sucks (Oct 2016)

It used to be that I would get serious techlust for Apple products. Those days are over. All of Apple's current MacBook offerings all suck. Here's a breakdown of what is wrong with every single one of them.

	MacBook Air	MacBook	MacBook Pro (2015)	MacBook Pro (2016)
Price	$1,119 CAD	$1,649 CAD	$1,549 CAD	$1,899CAD
RAM	8GB	8GB	8/16GB	8/16GB
HD	128GB	256GB	128GB	256GB
CPU	1.6GHz i5-5250U Broadwell (Q1, 2015)	1.1Ghz m3-6Y30 Skylake-Y (Q3, 2015)	2.7 GHz i5-5257U Broadwell (Q1, 2015)	2.0Ghz i5-6360U Skylake-U (Q3, 2015)
userbenchmark	350th	455th	229th	N/A
Cores	2 cores, 4 threads
GPU	Intel HD Graphics 6000	Intel HD Graphics 5300	Intel Iris 6100	Intel Iris Graphics 540
userbenchmark	192nd	302nd	168th	160th
Size	13"	12"	13"	13"
Resolution	1440x900	2304 × 1440	2,560 × 1,600	2,560 × 1,600
Battery life	12hrs	10hrs	10hrs	10 hrs
Ports	2xUSB-3 1xThunderbolt-2 1xSDXC	1xUSB-C	2xUSB-3 2xThunderbolt-2 1xSDXC	2xUSB-C or 4xUSB-C
Power	MagSafe 2	X	MagSafe 2	X

Now, when you're looking at this table, how does this shit make any sense at all? This is fucking ridiculous.

Summary
What it boils down to is this:

• MacBook is useless for everyone. Expensive, slow, no ports, and no MagSafe. Of no value to anyone. DON'T BUY
• New MacBook Pro (2016) is fast and expensive, but it also doesn't have any ports and no MagSafe. So if you want to plug ANY of your existing devices into it, you'll need adapters. So you're gonna blow $2k on a computer and still have to buy more shit in order for it to be usable. That's just fucking insulting. DON'T BUY
• Old MacBook Pro (2015) is fast and moderately expensive, but it's got the ports you need and MagSafe. OKAY
• MacBook Air (2015) is slow and cheap, but again it's got the ports you need, MagSafe, and the best battery life. Unfortunately it's got the shittiest screen resolution. OKAY

There is no OMG BUY YES YES WANT WANT WANT on any of these because they all suck at least a little bit.

Conclusion So I think the only viable purchases at this point are the Old MacBook Pro (2015) or the MacBook Air. But even then you're buying outdated hardware at premium prices, but that's always been the Apple way. It used to be that you would buy an Apple and it would Just Work. And you would be constantly in a state of wonderment as you discovered all of its cool features. Now it seems like you buy an Apple, you can't even plug a USB stick into it, and none of your devices work, and it has less cool shit than before.

Other The only important factors I'm not including in there are:

• SSD speed. sadly I wasn't able to find precise technical information on the SSDs except that the MacBook Pro 2016 SSD is the fastest.
• Touchbar. Because yeah it's cool, but seriously? Naw. $2,299? Bro, are u serious? Why not do this with many users' pre-existing iPhones & iPads? Encourages product integration.
• Screen size. Because if you want a 15" laptop, maybe you should really have a desktop or an external monitor.

All of them are light and slim, so that's not a distinguishing factor. The keyboards are all slightly different, with the shittiest one being on the vanilla MacBook, again more reason it's a garbage purchase. The new MacBook does have a massive trackpad, which is kinda cool. And if you care about colour options you're a fucking idiot.

Bring Steve Jobs back!